hello everybody. im addicted to dark chocolate covered espresso beans from starbucks. they cost a lot, but i won a raffle at school, so i got it for free. but really, the amount of money i won was equivalent to how much i owe the library in debt, so nothing really changed. the caffeine is attacking my brain and i think i will go crazy soon. ap tests are soon and that is where i assume everyone is studying crazily for them. there is a lack of activity everywhere. i am wearing a plain grey shirt because it is cool. and it describes how everything is right now. plain and grey. but really the sky is dark, so it should be plain and black or whatever color it is. dark dark dark blue. whatever.

once upon a time, there was a lonely boy. who just went to school everyday and sat through classes and struggled. and then one day a polar bear came out of the blizzard and attacked him. he was so lost, because it was impossible to see the polar bear in the snow, so the polar bear cut off the boy's toes and ran away with them. now the boy was lonely AND had trouble balancing. he wobbled around, tripping often, but he finally arrived at the door of his home. as he tried to find his keys, he realized that a very mean girl stole his keys. so he picked up the shotgun on the ground and walked over the girl's house, blew her head off, took the keys back, and opened the door. he went to his room and planned his financial future. he would be a millionaire by the time he was out of high school, because he would work at costco, which pays $17/hour. he would cut expenses and only get what he needed. so he didn't need any friends. because friends are wants and not needs. then he suddenly realized he already had a headstart because he had been lonely all his life. so he wrote a song and his financial plan worked fine and he died happy, friendless, and toe-less.

whenever i fill in bubbles for my name, i am always afraid that i will screw up and bubble in the wrong letter and then my name will be screwed up. same with the address and stuff. sometimes i even get afraid that i bubbled in the wrong gender. i dislike bubbles. i used to like bubbles. of course, they were soap bubbles. so i could pop them whenever i want and they won't affect my life. but now i have to bubble in bubbles that have complete control over my life. and sometimes the bubbles are in disgusting ovals. or ellipses. and sometimes they are rectangles. ive never seen square or triangles or stars. bubbles are strange.

once upon a time, there was an ant named q that felt like he was useless in his colony because he was just one in a billion billions. he had few friends because no one cared for each other in that colony. one day there was a slug that threatened to crawl down the ant colony and clog it up so all the ants will die. little q was scared and ran away. the rest of ants didn't care because they were arrogant fools. then slug clogged up ant colony and everyone died except for q. and then q was left by himself. to fight for his own life. he dug a hole and cried for days and days. in that little isolated place he waited and waited. then he realized he was really a she. and she could repopulate the whole colony. so she did and life was great again.

until the rain fell and everyone drowned except for those who floated onto leaves or other objects. q was a sinker but she grabbed onto another ant who grabbed onto another ant who grabbed onto another ant. and then q slowly climbed up that little floating chain of ants and used the others as floating devices, drowning them, but saving herself. the rain stopped and the sun came out, blinding q. because q could not see, she crashed into a tree and was killed. and thus ends the tale of q the little ant.

azN xrE taRD BOI: the lead signer of static-x wears converses
d0 Nk3X: omfg
d0 Nk3X: the world is ending
d0 Nk3X: omfg
azN xrE taRD BOI: yea
d0 Nk3X: Richard and Till were spooted wearing converese [rammstein]
d0 Nk3X: and Kyo too! [dir en grey]
azN xrE taRD BOI: kyo does
d0 Nk3X: ..
d0 Nk3X: ok seriosuly
d0 Nk3X: the world is ending

dreams can be broken down into 4 types. wish-fulfillment, fear, reflection, and memory. wish-fulfillment dreams suck the most because they just create something that one doesn't have. and i get those dreams a lot. waking up happy and then become sad and useless. today in star testing, the graffiti on the desk told me to go die. so i sat there and watched kids play cards and read sigmund freud. and the other graffiti.

i stare. daydreams are stupid. they waste time. time is wasted. dreams are strange. because they can seem so happy, but leave a sad feeling. or they can be something else and leave the most completely opposite feeling. i hate them. i think ill read sigmund freud and learn all about dreams and how to not create them. theres apparently 4 things that stimulates dreams. and they are all pretty much unable to dodge. one is external and another is internal happenings during sleep. another is physical problems like bad kidneys. and the last is what happens during awakening. so i guess i could remove my brain and ill never have another stupid dream. dreams are stupid because they recall memory that is random and insignificant. everything is insignificant. i never want another dream.

[betto1231] I think everybody here is a little fucked up
[['__']] NO SHIT!
[xiarary] sure we are.

the sky is cloudy today. my crayons won't melt. the sun is gone. hidden songs aren't really hidden songs. some stupid bands even write that they are hidden and give the lyrics in the booklet things. some bands put hidden songs after like 1 minute of silence on the same track as the last song on the album. and then if that last song is really good, it cant really be put on repeat because it would loop through the whole song and the silence and the other 'hidden' song. its so annoying. then other bands put hidden songs after a bunch of blank tracks. like mikami chisako. has like 11 tracks. then 12-98 are all empty songs. and 99 is some secret song. and its just misleading because its like 99 songs. its like "omfg! i got my money's worth." but not really because its all blank. then there was some band that made a whole cd of lawnmower sounds. 45 minutes of grass mowing. yay. i think ill become rich and famous and release an album and have a hidden song. and it wont exist on that cd because its hidden.

today i drove with almost no gas. its really exciting. because of the fear of running out of gas completely. the calculator thing on the car that calculates how many miles left didn't even work anymore. because level of gas was too low. so i drove and drove and felt the car power dissapear. and then. got to a gas station. and everything was fine. and then i got home and did homework. yay. on a completely unrelated topic, election things for class officers were yesterday. and i voted. i used my democratic powers and voted for losers that lost. but thats a little redundant. i think anyone that REALLY cares about the school shouldn't run because they are just getting in the way for all the other kids that want the position for college stuff. the people that REALLY care about school should give those college-ambitious kids what they want. because if the college-ambitious kids lose, then all hell breaks loose and they start complaining about how their lives suck and they are forced to get a 5.0 gpa. and stuff. and thats really annoying.

d0 Nk3X: i wrote an emo song
d0 Nk3X: cuz i thoguht you died

today my english teacher said she didn't want to teach. so she showed us a video made by some former student that is stationed in iraq. so we saw a bunch of pictures in a slideshow and listened to the music from that slideshow. and so i watched people run over by tanks and people's heads half missing to the music of simple plan and similar emo bands like greenday. or whatever category these bands are in. punk. whatever. then i watched marines run around with their male organs hanging out and stupid stuff. they duct tape each other to beds and wrestle each other and hang pigeons and scare others away by hanging organs out pant holes. i think those military guys are stupid. they are in the middle of a battlefield and they are screwing around and being stupid. and then you get liberal teachers that are like 'omg our military is getting shot and killed. i hate the government.' i think those military people should actually do stuff instead of play around.

i f331 50 w45t3d: mmm
i f331 50 w45t3d: for the essay california thingy
i f331 50 w45t3d: some kid wrote
i f331 50 w45t3d: "FUCK YOU I HOPE YOU DIE THIS IS ARBITRATY FUCK YOU FUCK YOU OMFG DIE"
i f331 50 w45t3d: that kid in my class yeah
azN xrE taRD BOI: lol
i f331 50 w45t3d: anyway the teacher checked the essays before they were sent off
i f331 50 w45t3d: so uhhh
i f331 50 w45t3d: he's not gonna be in pioneer anymore

today i realized. school takes up like 20% of life. it owns life. assuming 80 year life, at least 12 years of school and 4 extra years. thats too much. i think everyone should sit down and eat candy and be happy and die fat. and then not go to school and spend life eating. or not. i dont remember anything. my printer is out of ink. paper kills trees. trees are paper. dirt are trees. we are dirt. we are trees. trees are us.

BeatingIt2Hard: You know what's a bad idea?
azN xrE taRD BOI: hm?
BeatingIt2Hard: At first I thought it didn't really matter.
BeatingIt2Hard: But apparently it does with some people.
BeatingIt2Hard: You should never tell a girl that her thong is showing.
BeatingIt2Hard: I used to think otherwise.
azN xrE taRD BOI: lol
BeatingIt2Hard: But you know.
BeatingIt2Hard: I guess it is a "perverted" act to notify her of her situation.
BeatingIt2Hard: And it is bad enough to the point where the teacher sends you out.

i dont understand massaging. apparently people like getting touched by other people. its strange. oh well. today is 4/20/05. which is like 420. so there was very few people at school today. everyone else ran off to smoke strange plants. smoking is such a strange thing. i dont get why people like to put fire next to their face. and then burn pieces of paper and leaves. and then burn everything. they must be fire addicts and pyros. or something. i am tired. of school. and of being awake. i think i am sick. what a wonderful time to be sick. right before star9s, sats, ap tests, and calc finals. yay. wonderful.

lack of homework is unhealthy. i dont know what i am doing. homework is important because i can study by doing it. instead, they give me no homework and except me to study myself. and i end up doing nothing. and its bad. unhealthy for my grade. and unhealthy for my mind.

i had this really strange dream about racist supremecy groups. i was walking from calculus to english, so i had to walk through the quad. and so i walked. but suddenly, there was a black supremecist group in the quad. and they were doing one of their shows. they wore the same clothes as the kkk except the whiteness of the clothing was replaced by red and yellow (communist colors?. i dont really know why. its a dream.). and so i was very confused. and started to run to class. and the black supremecists weren't really mean to anyone; instead they were dancing and singing about how happy they were. but the dream was really scary. i got to class and all the teachers were getting ready to join the supremecy group. but theres like one black teacher at school, so i didn't really get it. and everyone closed in and i blew up. and died. my dream was in 2nd person. i think. im going to read sigmund freud's intepretation of dreams. and intepretate all my dreams.

i had this weird dream that my computer was taking over my life. its like real life except it was a dream. and then my computer decided not to turn on. and it wanted me to pay it to turn on. and i didn't want to pay. so i didn't pay. and it started being mean to me. and taunting me. so i started to cry and it was a nightmare. literally. so then i pulled out its memory and reformatted it. and it solved all my problems. then i woke up and went to buy clothes. and all clothes is super expensive now! and stupid designed. i dont like stupid girls on my shirts and i dont like stupid words on my shirts. and i dont like blank shirts! so i ended up buying 1 shirt. and i need more.

my hair is gone. and no longer do i have organic sunglasses. long hair is a good sun filter. i see only slits of light and everything is wonderful. less muscles used in my eyes to re-adjust to changes in light. now i have to re-adjust a lot. because i have no filters. oh no.

today is tax day! but i dont have a job, so it doesn't matter to me! i have a $10 fine from the library. because i forgot to renew my books! how wonderful. i think i should get donations. and pay it back. today i watched kids after school play their magic cards. and i did not know what was going on. because that game is so complicated. its so old and new and mixed together and all these strange rules apply. its amazing. its harder than pokemon cards! i wonder if those kids will buy my pokemon cards. they have magic and yugioh. maybe pokemon. hm. need money.

while all you guys sit there and collect dust. im sitting here and collecting interest. yea. im increasing in value. increasing with respect to x. im a function of e. im growing logistically. and its not great. because im one of those that limits out into that max. while others are growing so high up. and doing stupid things. no limit. the function is undefined. no limit. approaches infinity from left. negative infinity from right. too bad it doesn't converge. if it did, i dont know what would really happen. becuase its a series. in a limit. in a derivative. of a function. or something like that.

my routine is getting too routine. but it is routine. and my eyes hurt. because i dont know. maybe lack of sleep? i doubt it. i sleep earlier than everyone else because i dont know. maybe computer? i just turned on computer. allergies? i dont know. i never had allergies before. maybe. its my hair. because its wonderful eye covering now. i woke up to go to the bathroom last night. and i turned on the light in the bathroom, but it was still dark, because my hair was covering my eyes. and i was getting scared. then i realized its my own fault. so maybe its the annoying hair in my eyes. ill cut soon. maybe. or i could go do all my homework. which is little because teachers are getting lazy now. like me.

there is no happiness in anything. but there is. i just cant find it. so it doesn't exist. school is stupid. of course it is. because there is no happiness in it. no joy. nothing. i wonder if only things that bring happiness are not stupid. everything else is stupid. because stupid things are stupid. and not fun. and un-joyful. there is no joy. there is no reason to be happy. maybe there is, but i haven't found it. so i wont search for it. and then i cannot say that is true. as long as i dont look, its not true. yea. stream of nothing is coming from my brain. i have a plastic pet. he is called nohohon. he moves his head when there is sun. he brings all the joy and happiness that doesn't exist into this world. but his head is not moving right now. i love my nohohon. he has green. and so was i after i saw my pathetic numbers. scores determine my life. life determines my score. what a cycle. i love it all.

"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later."

so sat scores are out. and i am retaking.

thats about it. i would put a bunch of swear words describing how bad i feel. but i have no time. because suddenly everything decided to be all clumped up from now to may. sats, ap, proj b, apush midterm, calc final, lab report. whatever. at least i cant get worse. i can only get better. because im doing horribly. even english normal is killing me. how pathetic.

i dont get sin city. it is black and white with random colors kill bill and lots of strangely colored blood. i love the movie because its funny. but i hate it because its long. and confusing. i dont get the 3 different stories. because they dont add up. some guy loves some hooker that he meets for one day. and hooker gets killed by some hungry guy with big glasses and converses. and then guy gets angry and kills converse boy. then does some more stuff and gets himself killed. then some other story about guy who gets caught in some war between prostitutes and the police. so hes like omfg i love whores. so he saves the day with some japanese girl that had swastika ninja stars and strange stuff. and then everything is great. last story is about some bruce willis being accused of molesting a child. but he was really saving her. but eventually bruce is in trouble so he says he was molesting the little girl. and the little girl is like omfg i love you bruce, sleep with me. and bruce is like infinite times older than the girl. but hes like what the hell. and so he starts going crazy and is like I LOVE THE GIRL. and the girl gets molested by original molestor and everything is great. and then a new story starts, but doesn't really begin. because some guy is like 'hey, want a smoke?' and then kills her. which is like my wait after the movie. because everyone there was smoking. and then they are killing themselves. and i watched adults, high school, and middle school kids smoke. and everyone seemed to be dying. but happy. because they were smoking. and they are stupid.

so i went to a film festival to get ideas and stuff. so i got some ideas. and my submission lost of course. to a 50 second fight scene. that i lost to in animation. and drama i lost to some sad story about a boy and a girl and it was in french. and i liked the editing. because it was wonderful. and then the other drama winner was some guy playing golf and failing all his life. the winners were wonderful. the others were. uh. home videos like "my birthday". and that similar stuff. wasted time. must do homework.

i dont know what is happening! the pressure is happening. but there is no pressure. but there are great amounts. i shall waste time.

today was blood donations. and i couldn't donate blood because im too young. but it doesn't really matter. because i have low blood pressure and the blood wouldn't really pump out. and additionally, my blood type is ab. so the only people that can use my blood is ab people. and i can use everybody's blood. im so cool. im a leecher. i think ill become a leech and attach to people. and drink their blood and then go crazy. and get aids. and die. or ill become a vampire. and have more movement, instead of being a leech and being sad in a swamp waiting for people to step on me.

i think it sucks a lot when you know something, but you dont really know it. for example, i know that i have english homework, but i dont know what it is. so im stuck here, waiting for someone i know that has english with me (which is like 3 people) to come online. and in this time, i can't do anything. except pretend to know what my homework is. and then i have nothing to do. horrible.

good american literature rebels against correct american grammar. for example, in "native son", theres some sex scene. and the whole paragraph is one very long run-on sentence. and this book is called an american literature book. so its taught to juniors. what silliness. i guess thats why everyone in america is rebelling against everything. because its correct to rebel. and rebelling is praised. and then people rebel against the rebelling. and rebel against themselves. and get completely lost and then rebel more. and then it ends up that everyone is on the same side. because. i dont know. i had this wonderful thought, but of course i have short term memory, and forgot it. im like a goldfish. goldfish have an average memory span of 3 seconds. thats why when they go to food, they turn around and then turn back towards the food many times on the way there. because they forget what they were doing. and i forgot.

there is not much to do. the sun is bright and it was cold. it was raining, but the sun killed it all. the sun is blinding. it can burn too. us history is interesting, but never important. actually, its never interesting. april fools! like 3 days late. but whatever. nothing happens anymore. or maybe i just dont think anything really happens anymore. so nothing happens. maybe i just dont try to keep updated with whatever people talk about now. so i dont get updated. no one talks to me. the only thing i know is that the "cool" derogatory term to use now is "jew". and then apparently kids love hitler for strange reasons. but whatever. i dont even know what is happening at school. i should go make friends with the kids that hang out in the library at lunch. some kids there would be nice geeky kids to talk to because they keep updated with computer stuff. and i haven't updated myself on anything for a long time. nothing. theres nothing to be updated about except for good calculus and ap tests.

life is so boring. boring music is cool. cool days need sweaters. sweaters are expensive if they are brand name. name is important to write on paper. paper is from trees. trees are dying out. out is not where one should be when it is raining. raining water can drown. drown every stupid fools. fools have creativity. creativity is what i lack. lack inspiration also.

what a horrible day to move clocks an hour forward. day break ends! when everyone stops their procrastination and begins to do their work. but now they have lost an hour more. for no reason at all. just because the government decides that we all want some daylight. and stuff.

i can smile again. because my computer is fixed. however, i am down a lot of money. if you want to know the price, go look up the price for a 3.0 ghz pent4 with 800 mhz fsb. and asus p4p800-e deluxe motherboard. then add a new 500 watt power supply. and you'll get a rough idea. therefore. i shall not spend anymore money. and i shall be very sad. but money is evil. but everything is material. we are so materialistic. damn capitalists. i dont get it.