grading on effort is retarded. its just for idiots who aren't smart enough to learn the material, so the teachers pity them and give them a good grade. i'm bitter. like a coffee bean. because school is retarded. its a good thing that i just got my converses because now i can be emo and complain about my life and school. and then say my shoes made me do it. people would believe me. and buy me new shoes. and ill be happy for the free shoes. but i dont care anymore. im trying to find myself some lethal doses of caffeine.

i was at the first american d'espairsray concert ever. it was so cool. first band was some random american band. some 'trashlight vision' or something like that. they were trying too hard to be japanese. wearing skirts like japanese guys and screaming. and swinging microphone around like a gogo ball from kill bill. i heard better music listening to an orchestra tune their instruments. and then it wouldn't stop because they were unoriginal and all the songs sounded the same. i never knew when a new song began. bah. it sucked so much the microphone broke after the first song. (it really did). they even had to ask the crowd to stand up. (unlike d'espairsray, who everyone just stood up right when curtains went up.) curtains fell after american junk. the lucky 4 backstage pass owners went in. random sounds. all these false alarms. screaming fangirls. screaming goths. curtain rises. 4 skinny japanese guys are there. music begins. karyu goes crazy on the 7 string guitar. and zero went crazy on the 5 string bass. and the world was great. my body shook. because i was in 3rd row. the music was too loud. it was great. i loved it. and then midway he started to talk english. trying to speak it. and trying to get crowd all happy. but no one understood. but people still screamed because its d'espairsray. eventually that guy realizes no one understands him and just talks japanese. and white people and me dont understand anything. but its all great. i loved it. d'espairsray makes slipknot sound like the backstreet boys. i was so happy. but i didn't headbang. because i would have been like all the other billion goths who couldn't keep their heads on after the show. after the show the benches were filled with goths lying down to keep their heads attached. i laugh at their stupidity. and go home.

and since we all love d'espairsray. heres a picture.

it was hard work trying to explain to my mom about the japanese rock concert i'm going to tomorrow, trying to explain why i would want to go to listen to foreign language. i wonder if i should explain the crossdressing aspect also. confuse her even more.

today i went to the farmer's market. which sells organic stuff and junk. and then my mom went to buy strawberries and other veggies. i went to mervyns because its right there. and i also needed shoes. because my shoes are falling apart. so i walked in. and picked up a box of the first pair of shoes that i saw. my size. perfect. bought it. and walked out. and now. im stuck with a pair of converses. i didn't realize my dreadful mistake until now. oh well. it was on sale. but im stuck with converses until they fall apart. which should be soon because they are thin and cheap. oh well. i learned that sudden impulses should be controlled. because i also have more starbucks chocolate covered espresso beans to cheer me up. money is such an evil thing. i think when i grow up ill live in poverty. and enjoy no luxuries. and life will be better.

[OpticTouch] yea, its hard studying while on pot
[a o z o r a] no it's not. it helps me focus sometimes
[a o z o r a] it's just expensive and shit
[OpticTouch] i would read one sentence and think up a whole story that is irreleveant for 2 hours
[a o z o r a] maybe pot just isn't meant for you?
[OpticTouch] thanks
[OpticTouch] yea, its not
[a o z o r a] im a shitty driver unless im stoned as hell.
[a o z o r a] i'm too nervous otherwise
[OpticTouch] ive met someone like u
[a o z o r a] its odd
[OpticTouch] who says pot makes them smarter and more coherent
[a o z o r a] it so does
[a o z o r a] it broadens the mind
[a o z o r a] the college im going to apply to (MAYBE) tells you to smoke pot for inspiration

after some time...

[OpticTouch] oh, so u are into art
[OpticTouch] so iguess, pot is perfect for u
[a o z o r a] yeah, i'm an intellectual stoner artfag :D

ha. i read somewhere that marijuana also leads to schizophrenia. so if i start smoking marijuana, ill have a friend!

i wish i was as famous as marilyn manson. then i can sell my horrible artwork for thousands of dollars. and people will still buy it. i think ill just start dressing up in tight leather clothing and wear girly makeup and get surgery so my face is even more thin. and then ill learn guitar and play covers for old bands. but of course it will be more industrial and then it will be more electronic. and then i can do really scary weird watercolor art. and then people will buy it. of course this is too much work to earn that money. besides, i would be rich if i already got up to status like marilyn manson. so i wouldn't care about selling horrible art anymore.

art is a funny thing. apparently there was a guy named andy warhol. most people should know him. he did that strange campbell soup pop art junk. apparently he also did some random painting style called 'oxidization painting'. its like chemistry, but its fun. because he would paint with some paint containing copper. and then he would have helpers drink beer and piss all over the painting. so it rusts kind of. and he experimented with different beers. "hey. i got some new mexican beer. it makes a really cool green." its great. i love andy warhol. and i love piss paintings.

in english, the guy sitting behind me told me about a story about how he was having fun swimming. and had a contest to see who could hold their breaths the longest. it was great because he won and could hold his breath for "2 minutes 30 seconds, and [he] smokes." funny funny. apparently smoking makes lungs stronger. and i think that makes sense in a way. because smoke kills lungs. and then the body learns to live with less oxygen. and then when holding breath, smokers can use less oxygen, but they still breathe in the same amount of air! i think it makes sense. but i shall not smoke. because i dont like fire in front of my face.

sometimes i think i know what i want to write in this blog. but then i forget and then i dont write anything. or i just write a bunch of random stuff to cover up my forgetfulness. yes. something like that. today. i realized myspace is stupid. because its just a way for people to try to look all popular by getting billions of friends of people that they dont know. and i also think that users should not be able to configure layouts for myspace and xanga. because all they end up doing is making it a mess. but the default myspace layout is already a mess. because its just some extremely long bar on the right. while left bar isn't that long. and it makes me sad. when i take over the world. ill take over myspace, and xanga, and the internet and make it so there is no html or any of that useless programming junk. and then the internet can only be text based. and font/size/colors cannot be configured. then the internet will load much faster. yes. that is a good plan.

d0 Nk3X: it seems like yall are just dying for a rap
please stop ur whining before i bust a cap
nah im just kidding but now i got this new guy
he's not fly or hot, but he knows how to get by
they call him abe, and he's a real genius
he likes to make art that's dark and devious
but dont be fooled by his baggy clothing
his ripped chest and abs will leave you loathing
knows a lot about computers and will fix your cd rom
so wont you take some time out and visit unpurposed.com

i just realized, no one uses lmao anymore. its all just rofl and lol. and some are too lazy to even type lol! so they just press l1. it should be an !, but its too much energy to press shift. anyways. lmao is never used. i dont know why. maybe its because it has ass in it. actually i dont even think people use rofl anymore. i dont know. because i only say ha or lol. actually, i dont even know if im correct because i dont talk to people much anyways. i go on aim. and just go do homework. i dont even know why i go on aim. i guess its because i can feel who is on. and who i could potentially have contact with. but i dont like converting potential to kinetic. so nothing ever gets intiated. and i never talk. there is only thermal energy now. it is too hot. my brain doesn't work anymore.

sometimes i wonder. about things. things that really have no relevance. sometimes i think. think about the future. shouldn't be too worried. but i am. sometimes. sometimes i am apathetic. sometimes i worry too much. i bounce between extremes too much. i think it sucks. but i dont know. people are weird. once i wrote in a blog from long long time ago: "i think my best friends are the people i rarely talk to. because i know almost nothing of them. so i have no reason to dislike them. ignorance is good. i like it." i guess i was very bitter at that time. but it makes sense. hm. actually i dont know. oh well.

i had a dream that the college board screwed up my sats by marking all my answers as omitted. and then i got like a 1000. so i was sad. and then i woke up and was like. yay. its not real. so i checked my score. and its not so great either. life sucks. yesterday i was watching fear factor and then there was some guy that was on the show because he wanted to find some girl named christie. apparently he didn't even know her last name. he only spent 2 hours with her. and hes going on fear factor to try to find the girl. what stupidness. its like in sin city, when that guy kills everyone to find out who killed his prostitute. so the fear factor guy apparently won and at the end he said "its all for you, christie". and i was like. wow, what a fool. but i guess i shouldn't care about him. because he won $50000. i dont care. i hate everything right now.

spoiler alert: anakin becomes darth vader. star wars 3 was funny. the dialogue was like quentin tarantino dialogue. horrible and useless. the special effects were all wonderful. anakin should have written sad songs because his life is like a perfect stereotypical emo life. he already has that love/hate thing going on with whatever character natalie portman was supposed to portray. so then anakin decides to join the dark side and everything happens as planned and nothing is a surprise because its all known because some george lucas decided to start on 4,5,6 before 1,2,3. so now the only thing impressive was special effects. i think george lucas should have done something completely different. and made anakin kill the sith. and say this happened in a different galaxy than that of 4,5,6. and the audience would be like. oh my.

oh yea. and i think the first big jedi to die was the one played by samuel jackson. black people always lose.

i have teachers that dont feel like teaching, so they tell students to teach. and now im doing this in like 2 classes. i think the point of teachers is to teach and the students should learn. there should be no students teaching to learn junk. all that different types of learning styles stuff is just a bunch of psychology BS. so now im stuck trying to make lesson plans and junk. high school should not be directed towards learning and education. it should be directed towards college. because thats all the point of school is. instead some teachers insist that we learn. ap classes should be just like ap prep classes. and other classes should be directed towards sat2's or sat1's. and then. everything will be fine. and everyone will get into good college and people will be happy. and there will be less complainers. i dont understand what my point was. oh well.

so there was an art show today. there were drawings, paintings, animation sketches, sculptures, music, movies, photoshops. and then there were photographs. there were so many of them. because photography is the most over rated art form. its so stupid. because all the black and white portrait photographs were all sad and stupid. wtf. can they not think of anything else? all the titles are like despair, depressed, lonely, solitude, etc. stupid. and then there are the landscapes, which all look the same. and none of them are really special. thats why i dislike photography. because anyone can make the same thing. theres no imagination. the only skill involved is holding a camera steady. and maybe exposure times. and thats it. i think photography should just be used for memory preservation and not for art.

morphine is cool, i think. the person behind me in english talks about drugs all day. he does too many drugs. he's funny though. because he describes each drug trip with such detail and its great. i am out of shape, so i must continue moving. my lungs are falling out. its like smoker lungs, but i dont smoke. or do anything bad. because im a good asian boy. and i just go to class and do my homework. unlike other kids, who are doing drugs and selling stuff. it must be a good business. but its so risky. like at prom, there was a drug bust in the bathroom because some people's brains were so killed by drugs, the people didn't realize they shouldn't sell drugs at a big event. what fools. they should have done it somewhere else. people are too rich because they do drugs. but then a bunch of famous people all used drugs. like. sigmund freud. he used cocaine. and same with some famous black graffiti artist. i forgot his name. and i believe andy warhol used drugs also, because i dont think people can see weird colors like him. oh well. i wish i was an artist. so then i would have an excuse for all my problems. because most artists have problems.

some people plan out their whole lives. they expect everything to happen that way. and then it doesn't because theres more odds against it happening and then the people sink into depression and cry and die. and then they dont know what to do. i think ill never plan ahead, because its useless. or something. i dont care. which isn't good because then i have no direction at all. people that plan everything have some direction. but i have none. i dont know which is better. hm. what a horrible situation.

ha. i got my license. and now i am so cool. because i passed with 15 errors. 1 more and then i would have failed. all traffic check problems. at least most of them were. enough to make the tester give me a lecture about my mirrors and looking. but i passed. . when i get rich and famous ill copyright my face. because then people will have to pay me to take pictures of me. im saying this because the d'espairsray concert i am going to in 2 weeks doesn't allow any photos because of copyright issues. its stupid. so therefore i want my face to be copyrighted. and then i can sue everyone. and get money. and then pay for the insurance ill need for this driving thing.

HxaMaxH: dude i got videos of gackt crying
Auto response from azN xrE taRD BOI: bbbbbblllll
HxaMaxH: teachin dance
HxaMaxH: jugglin soccer
HxaMaxH: omfgackt
HxaMaxH: gackt everywhere
HxaMaxH: its time to switch wallpaper

okay. life has become horrible. because fra-foa had a concert 2 days ago. they went on a 2 year hiatus because ms. mikami chisako (the lead singer) had a baby and then their contract with their indie record company died, so they were idle. everyone was wishing they would come back. and so they did. one concert 5/14/05. 2 days ago. did they get signed to a major record label? were they coming back? no. they announced they would be disbanding. and now the whole world sucks. AUGH. they were one of the most inspirational bands because their music was so. cathartic. or something. and now they are gone. i lack all motivation now. i dont know what to do anymore. school is horribly dull. and teachers dont feel like giving any homework, so i cant do anything at home. and yet somehow, i worry about school. when theres nothing to do. maybe i need more friends. or maybe. ill join a band and be cool. because everyone loves kids that are in bands. especially guitars. because everyone sits around a guy that has a guitar and loves him. because that makes them so special. but i hate instruments. i think ill just go make a friend and be that person's only friend. and ill feel so special. too bad i dont know how to approach anyone. because im scared of everything.

here is my simple junior prom thing:

tuxedo = not very comfortable
pictures = stand in sun = burn = sweat
phi = late = not very happy people
udon = cute noodles
dance = free water
darude "sandstorm" = bad techno
weird remixing = even worse sandstorm experience
free photo frames = bubble wrap = hours of enjoyment
free music cd = unknown artists/bands

it was fun. wonderful.

this is math nerd to the max. and he is not joking.

ORIJING: I think I said something wrong. I said 69 is a cool number, and he's like, "Are you a pervert!?". I didn't get it, so I explained that it's cool because it has point symmetry. Um, did I say something wrong?
azN xrE taRD BOI: uh
ORIJING: "You're looking for math in the wrong places, Jinghao."
azN xrE taRD BOI: theres a sexual meaning.
ORIJING: ...
ORIJING: Why does every math thing have to have sexual innuendo? >_<
ORIJING: I was just appreciating point symmetry.

today i watched four movies in my classes. its such a waste of time. also in my other two classes, the teachers gave us time to do whatever we want. i think today was a big waste. maybe staying at home would have been better. but home is boring too. bah. i watched forrest gump. apush has changed my complete view on it. it seemed so boring before. now its more interesting. jurassic park. and then some movie about some graffiti artist. apparently he became very famous. but i forgot his name because its some french-ish name (even though hes black). graffiti is cool. it can get people famous and get them in trouble. such strangeness. and then i watched tomb raider. which is stupid. because i wanted to watch the grudge. but the class voted for 'heartbreakers', so we watched tomb raider. yea. i know it doesn't make sense. but people dont make sense.

today i observed in class. in one class, one girl is really good with cellphone. she can hide it and text with incredible speed. its like. a few hundred words/minute. its that fast. its amazing watching that right thumb move. in another class, another girl has a routine makeup session. starting at exactly 11:50, she brings up her backpack and opens a pocket. out comes makeup accessories. no books in backpack of course. only make up. then she whips out mirrors and powdery stuff. and then she smacks it on her face. of course she de-oils her face first with those thin paper things. so her face gets more oil-y everyday because she does this too often. the makeup smells like play-doh. hm. in class last, there is big buff boy that is on drugs and laughs at his own jokes and is constantly angry and stuff. but no one ever tells him to shutup because hes larger than the teacher. not even teacher tells him to be quiet. he almost broke door once because he was angry and opened it with force.

so in time magazine they were talking about cutting and self mutilation. its really strange because apparently it makes you feel numb and silly. and then it says that some people cut themselves either from 1 to 745 times a year. and 745 seemed like a large number. so i felt like writing it here. because thats over 2 times a day. one for each arm i guess. but thats so many scars. oh my. the texture for the healing stuff would be so weird. it would be all bumpy and foldy. whatever. mr governor has decided to cut money or something for education. and all teachers are angry so they protest. and i think its stupid because they are complaining about how we wont get a good education. its stupid because the purpose of high school isn't to get an education. its to look good and get into college. learning is useless at this time. and i think the school wastes its money on stupid things. like new whiteboards for everyone. even though they are all in quite good condition. and so they cant afford books, so my 6th period class doesn't have books.

its stupid because its after all my ap tests now. and all i have are a bunch of barcodes. i also have a bunch of work. for some reason. because my teachers dont like to stop after ap tests. and now they are making us do work for nothing. the sun shines and its stupid. i should set at this time. i hate this time of day. because its semi-dark. and i dont know if i must use lamp or not. i think ive said that before. but i dont remember. because my memory sucks. sometimes i forget things so quickly that i soap myself like 3 times in the shower. becuase i forget. i also hallucinate things. somewhat. in the corner of my eye if theres something. my brain kind of screws it up and makes it look like a person. and im like wtf. and turn around. and see its only a bookcase. or something.

i wish i was old. in the 30s or 40s. then id have a reason to think that everything in life is so meaningless. i would be going through that mid-life crisis thing and then id buy a bunch of material goods and then id be somewhat happier, but never satisfied. by that time id have some more money i think. and then i can waste it all. then ill become poor because i didn't budget myself and ill be a hobo on the street. and ill live each day from donations from friendly people. i think hobos make a lot of money.

its stupid. nothing is. theres always tomorrow. i guess there is. not really. not if i dont wake up tomorrow. but tomorrow will never come. what a stupid thing. time doesn't exist. time is just made up. i wake up each day. and its not tomorrow. yesterday is different. but tomorrow is never there. how sad. the past can be created. the future will never be reached. i think. i dont know where im going with this. my logic is completely flawed. because all i can think about right now is chemistry. glenn says we are all time bombs. thats from alanthebox.com. go there and watch glenn says. because i say so. remember me as a time of day.

once i was flying. but i wasn't because i was falling. its really relative. from the sats today i learned something. the past isn't behind and the future isn't ahead. instead its the other way around. you can't see the future, but you can see the past. so the past is ahead. and the future is behind. it sounded all deep and so i loved that passage on the sat and i read it over and over again. and then i ran out of time and failed the test. just kidding. i didn't run out of time. but i still failed the test.

i want to devour everything. add some flavors and everything should taste decent. and then ill get heartburn and die from a painful stomach acid thing. but theres always medicine to help prevent that. and that is part of everything. so if i eat everything, then nothing will happen. is nothing included in everything? that would be a paradox. nothing is the absence of everything and something. but the opposite of nothing is something and not everything. i think. its a strange inclusion thing. everything is included. its a problem when people are too depressed. but not really a problem when people are too happy. there is no too happy. this world revolves around happiness. like the sky right now. it was raining and being stupid and thunder. but now its bright and shiny. and i dont even need my desk lamp anymore. because my eyes are blinded by the brightness. everything tastes good. without preservatives or msg. actually nothing tastes good without msg.

one day, ill get famous and then ill make up a very sad story about my life. and then everyone will believe me and pity me and that will make me even more famous. then ill create a clothing company and take over the world with my overpriced clothes. but people will still buy from my rich company because they think im cool because of my fake sad life story. and then everyone will try to be like me. because everyone tries to be like the famous people. but of course, i will never show my face. ill just wear a mask. or just crossdress like japanese people. people have never seen mana (from malice mizer) un-crossdressed. ill be like mana. ill never talk to people also. whenever mana does interviews, (s)he just whispers words into other group member's ears to speak for him. yes. ill be so famous and no one will know who i am. but everyone will try to be me. so everyone will be no one. and then the world will cease to exist. i am so ambitious.

today i learned that prom means programmable read-only memory. my dad told me that. because he is an electrical engineer like any other asian man. so i learned computer terms today. and i also learned to not underestimate calculus ap tests. because apparently they can be a lot harder than calc finals. bah. how horrid. i hope the curve is incredibly low. just like the chem ap. 60% raw score to get a 5. apparently. but i guess it just means that everything is incredibly hard. like diamonds. i dislike dreams at this time because it is such a waste of brain activity! my brain is wasted in stupid futile things during my sleep when it can be used for good calculus.

i got this in a spam email.

The Bible was written.
And it is these ignorant people, the most.
Anyone who believes that all laws should always be obeyed would have.
Most ardent friends.
I have often wondered how it is that every man.
Passangers in her car.
I was born when you kissed me.
I died when you.
Disorganization is a kind of anesthesia.
Do not put statements in the.
Uneducated, the most unimaginative, the most unthinking among us, who.
His body, his education and his recreation, his lvoe and his religion.
Fool forever.
He who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has.
Bomb and economically rape countries poorer than us -- bully them into.
Lantern.
Everyone looks through a particular color, but the candle is.
Deceiving the people and sending them off to distant lands to die of.
From the legislature.
The consequence is that the representatives of.
Perhaps even species cultivating.
To recognize untruth as a condition.
Society the religion which has regulated it cannot be a bad one.
Endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.
The whole art of.
Discipline themselves.
That you may retain your self-respect, it is.
Opportunity to learn something about human nature, and myself.
Each.
Education, and social ties; no religious basis is necessary.
Man would.
Enemies when I make friends of them?
Ambition is just as dangerous as.
Perhaps even species cultivating.
To recognize untruth as a condition.
No more mass msgs

if you read it all, its a bunch of thoughts that seem all deep and sad and weird. and then they cut off and be all weird. its so cool. too bad it didn't make sense. and it wasn't really spam except for the title of the email message. "makes you great in bed." i guess fragments are great.

ive been having dreams about people i haven't talked to in a long time. i dont even remember their names, but i knew they were once my friends and they moved far away and i never saw them again. and now they are popping up in my dreams and tormenting me and my pathetic memory. just kidding.

but really, 6 years and 364 days ago, on may 2, 1998, hide killed himself. he was some jrock crossdresser and he hung himself. or something. no one really knows. they just know he was drunk and he had a towel around his neck hanging to his bathroom door. or something. but who really cares? the japanese made a huge monument for this crossdresser because he was a crossdresser. and it showcases all his pictures and guitars and stuff. showcasing his music would have been out of the question of course, because his music has nothing to do with his fame. and now they are planning to shut down his monument thing and this is creating controversy in the japanese music online community. everyone loves crossdressers. so what is my point? i dont know. i guess ap english students tomorrow should be glad that they are taking a huge $90 test on the day a crossdressing japanese guy that played horrible music hung himself.